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Case Closed
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the court.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are
going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all
of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.


Two women were sitting together, quietly


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and that I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellllooooo, just because I'm blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllloooo?  It's been a year, I told him.  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.  He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little dustbroom!!!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !!' said the groom  broom.

Are you ready for this?  

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust." And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3seconds."
I bought her some scales. And then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.. So I took her to a petrol station... And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table..
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
' What! ' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.

 

The Indian With One Testicle
 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!



Teenage Household Rules

Raising teenagers is a challenge, so my hubby and I came up
with the following rules to help the kids understand what
was expected of them during their pre-adult status.

Rules of This Household

1. If you are not here for dinner, too bad. This is not a
fast-food place where the cook is on duty at all times. The
cook works full time and does not need a second job.

2. If you make a mess, clean it up. The dishwasher is open
24 hours a day to service you as are the vacuum, broom, and
sponge. Please help them to help you by using them. If you
need assistance, ask the cook -- she will be happy to give
you training on any of the equipment.

3. The taxi service for this household is not on call 24
hours. You must make reservations at least 12 hours in
advance. You have two good legs, skateboards, and bikes that
are somewhat operational; one of you has a vehicle that
works. Use them. By the way, skateboards are to be used on
the outside of this house and are never to be used in the
living room just because the landing is softer when you
fall.

4. We are not a bank and you have no collateral to offer us.
Face it: We own everything you have and I have receipts to
prove it, so don't ask us for loans. Get jobs! We have them.
Try it and you might like it (not so much the work as the
money).

5. Curfew is negotiable, but try not to be late too often
because it could go either way.

6. Tell us where you are going. GOOD GRIEF! I am way older
than you, and I still tell my mother where I am going when I
am at her house. Leave us a note or try to form words
describing where you are going while we are in the room with
you. Honestly, we don't bite unless provoked.

7. You know how to use a phone. Some of you even have cell
phones. We like to hear your voice if you are going to be
late. You can use a phone to find out what's for dinner, to
let us know you made it to wherever all right, or just to
let us hear your beautiful voice.

8. No food in your room, the living room, the bathroom, or
anywhere in the house other than the kitchen or dining area
EVER! How many times do I have to say this?

9. You do not contribute financially in any way, shape, or
form to this household, so try to pull your weight in other
ways: Clean something, put something away, surprise us by
doing it before we ask. Otherwise, you may find yourself
financially supporting yourself on the OUTSIDE of this
house.